he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
