I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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