my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
