Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
