Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
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I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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