unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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