i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
