theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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