Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
