apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
