Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
