If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
