An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
