Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
