I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
