He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
