are you still at the devil's house?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
