my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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