I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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