I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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