Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
