Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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