Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
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If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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