How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
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It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
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I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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