Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
