I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
