tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
