The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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