i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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