guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
