I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
