I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
