Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You ate ashes out of my bong
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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