well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
