She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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