Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
