there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
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