You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
