i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
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I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
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I want to fling myself into the sun
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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