You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
