just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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