I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
