So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
