he thought i was a dude.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
