C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
