How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
