I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
