So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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