I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
