I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We have so much sex to catch up on
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize