I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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