Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
