batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
