Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
