when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
